Do You Swear To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth So Help Your Black Ass

G                        Dm
When I was six years old my sister Alyson
F                        C
asked for a stove for her birthday
  G                       Dm
A miniature one you could actually cook with
    F                       C
and my mom was nice and she bought one
G                 Dm
Alyson needed a reason to bake something
F                         C
barged in my room and she grabbed me, she said
G                       Dm
I made a cake and we're going next door
       F                              C
to Sam Weinstein's and you're getting married

[Chorus]

G
The cake was burned
   Dm
it tasted gross
    F
she made me kiss him
C
on the mouth

[Verse]

G
Now I am 33
Dm
unmarried happily
F                        C                        G
no plans in life and I'm planning to keep it that way
                  Dm
I do kissing with only one mission
F                            C
Do you like to kiss then you have my permission
    G              Dm
And I have already spent too much time
F                     C
doing things I didn't want to
        G                 Dm
So if I just want to make out all the time
        F                           C
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to
G                     Dm
When I was nine I was kind of a loser
F                           C
the kids in my class didn't like me
G                    Dm
Melanie Chow was the meanest of all
       F                     C
and my mom made me go to her party
G                   Dm
Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly
F                         C
drawing with crayons on a napkin
  G                  Dm
a picture of Melanie skewered with a pitchfork
    F                     C
her legs getting eaten by lions

[Chorus]

G
The cake was good
Dm
I took some home
  F
I had a party
C
in my room

[Verse]

G                          Dm
Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
    F                    C
but I go to bars all the time and I sit there
    G                    Dm                      F
and order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people
    C
yes that's how I like it
G                Dm
And I've already spent too much time
F                     C
doing things I didn't want to
      G                    Dm
So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine
        F                           C
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to
G               Dm
Yes I come here often
F               C
Sure I'll have another one
G               Dm
Yes I come here often
F               C
Sure I'll have another one
but I don't have to talk to you
G             Dm
When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
F                        C
picking up tips from the masters
G                Dm
I was so busy perfecting my art
      F                          C
I was clueless to what they were after
    G                          Dm
Now I'm still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
F                        C
I don't make love now to make people love me
G                           Dm
but I don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
F                         C
We're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic
and
G             Dm
When I was 25 I was a rock star
    F                      C                     G
but it didn't pay too well I had to strip on the side
                   Dm                      F
of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
     C
baby they'd never know
       G
what a bargain they'd gotten
    Dm
and if I'm forgotten
F                        C
I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
    G                          Dm
and I still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me
F                        C
I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me
    G            Dm
And I've already spent too much time
F                     C
doing things I didn't want to
      G
So if I want to drink alone
Dm
dressed like a pirate
   F
or look like a dyke
        C
or wear high heels and lipstick
   G
or hide in a convent
   Dm
or try to be mayor
   F
or marry a writer
      C
smoke crack and slash tires
     G
make jokes you don't like
         Dm
or paint ducks and retire
        F                           C
YOU CAN BET YOUR BAC K ASS THAT I'M GOING TO